Quote:
Originally Posted by inbloom
Hi everyone. I am going to write a really really dumb post right now because it was either that, or never come back here again....*sigh* I just apologize in advance for being so completely lame and childish...
SO, for a long time now my T has been encouraging me to reach out to others, and to expand my support system, build connections with peers, etc... And, I have just felt like there is NO WAY I can do it. It has become very frustrating because its like any problem that I have or any feeling or emotion that I try to deal with is just answered with, "you need to build up other relationships," I can't be the only one here for you," "This will get better the more you socialize," and blah blah blah BLAH!!!!
From as far back as I can remember, I have ALWAYS felt marginalized....always felt different....always felt like no one understood me, and if they really did know me then they wouldn't want to anyway. It got a lot worse as of a couple of years ago after I suffered some really huge losses and just totally isolated myself in order to cope.
Now, my T is just back to pushing and pushing and sometimes I just feel like I don't even want to go back because he is giving me an answer that I don't want to hear because I really really feel incapable of doing it!!!
Coming into this group is sort of my first lame attempt to connect with people, and seriously, I even feel like this is too much for me. I hate rejection, I personalize EVERYTHING, and last night I was sitting here thinking, "See, even they don't like me...they don't want me to be part of their group....I am never posting another thing there....EVER!!!"
I had to take a deep breath and make myself come back on and just SAY THIS because all too often, I just run away. But, in reality, no one has done anything to me, and I still feel bad.....if I can't even join into something online where I am anonymous....if I can't reach out here and if I feel rejected here...then how will I ever be able to build relationships in life?? And, if I can't do it then why am I even going to therapy anymore.....if that is the answer why bother???? I am just always feeling like a failure and just incapable and lame and yucky! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
|
(((inbloom)))
I haven't been on psychcentral for a while, so I haven't seen too many of your posts, but don't think that people aren't responding because they don't like your or your posts!
What you wrote completely mirrored a part of my life that I struggle with as well. As a matter of fact my T and I had this conversation a few weeks ago. She keeps urging me to go out and meet people and open up to people. I keep telling her I CAN'T and that I feel like I don't know how because I spent most of my life isolated from the outside world (other than the 6 torturous hours I spent in school each day and the yearly family holiday party) and it's like she doesn't hear me because all she says is try. I haven't told her, but like you I feel like if people actually got to know me, they'd wish they hadn't because I keep thinking they will see what a monster I really am or how weird I am, or that something is wrong with me.
SO, I totally get what you are saying and I totally understand how hard it is. I still have not figured out HOW to build a support network/group of friends and If you continue to work on this and find something that works for you, please share it with everyone, I'm sure there are others, including myself who struggle with this as well.
