Email I sent to my therapist on Wednesday:

I am worrying myself to death that I have offended you. Reading back through my notes from Monday, there were some things that I wish I hadn't put in there. Sometimes trying to be so honest with my feelings ends up causing me a lot of grief.

This is one of those times when I wish I would have kept my thoughts/feelings/emotions to myself. It hinders me from working on anything. Fear that I may say something to upset you. When I start digging into anger, that is one of my greatest fears. I feel sorry for the person who is going to have to listen (witness) that. So, I hold back on what I really want to say or express. This only makes the misery (anger) ongoing and never resolved or brought into a manageable state.

I kinda wish you would give me something else to work on. I am not sure that I am ready to work on anger. Maybe this is part of my control issue? Fear that I may lose control if I allow anger to show up? Worrying how you will respond? Afraid that if I bring it to the surface, I may not be able to shut it back down?

Email I am waiting to send if I get enough courage to send it:

I didn't ask for a response in the last email, but when you get time I would like to know you got it, and hear your response. Right now I am debating what to do about Monday. I don't have anything at all to say. Totally blank. Not sure if that is a good sign or not.

Maybe I can handle things on own? Maybe I am shutting down? Maybe I am finding every excuse in the book not to work on anger? Maybe I am convincing myself that I have anger issues and in reality I don't? Maybe I feel like you are tired of me and sick to death of discussing the same things over and over again?

I realize that this is only Thursday and I have several days before we meet. I just don't want to come and sit there like a stump! I can't afford to do that in therapy. I have to do something when we meet to make me feel that it is worth the time and money that I am putting into it.

Maybe I need to skip a session? Maybe I will freak out if I do that and realize I made a mistake? Maybe I am jumping the gun and by the weekend I will have a dozen pages of journal notes to bring into therapy on Monday?

Do I need to chill out and relax? Am I working too hard on these assignments? Is it that I feel like a failure when I cannot do an assignment you have given me? What is wrong with me that I cannot act like a normal person? Why do I still not feel totally comfortable accepting that I need therapy? Do I need therapy? Am I dragging this out just to have a connection with someone?

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Sometimes I wonder if therapy makes you think up things that aren't really there. You hear in court cases about psychologists 'brain washing' clients and making them think things happened, that in reality never did.

Of course, I don't think that this is the case. She only goes with the information I give her. But why am I so wishy-washy! My thinking process is screwed up!