trigger????

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I tried, I really tried, but I just don't care sometimes... as much as I know what I'm doing, it feels like I'm not really "in the moment". once it's gotten into my head, whether it is to purge or cut or starve, that's all I can think of.......... I hate myself for that, but it's such a strong pull, it's like there's no other way... I know there is but once it has slipped into my mind I can't help it...... I totally lost it. I can't even look at it. I have been sitting here since 1/2 hour just starring at my screen, barely moving.... I feel totally dead. I know you can't feel dead but I can't feel anything. I don't even have the energy to "clean up".... I feel like a total waste of space, like a complete failure.... I feel like it's all for nothing, every day, every effort.... I can't handle the simplest things, I don't know myself anymore...... I don't think I've ever cut this bad. I wanted to feel something and I feel nothing. NOTHING. I want to cry. I can't. I want to scream. I can't. I want to know what emotions I'm feeling and why. I feel dead. I feel very alone. I'm sorry to keep doing this... I knew that I could do things to distract myself or try to find some support but I didn't want anything else. I don't know what I want.