Hi. I'm relatively new here. I'm Maddie, 21, from Egypt. I'm just gonna repost what I wrote on my blog cuz I don't have any energy to write it all again...




Every time I get into a phase in my life, lately, I either end it before it starts or quit once I start lacking. It's become a vicious cycle.

Here I am, once again, contemplating to abandon something I've been doing, due to a slight rise in anxiety from my exceptional lateness, which then just makes me more late because...I become more anxious. No wonder why I suck at university.

I feel crippled and debilitated by the smallest amounts of fear and anxiety, it disgusts me. Literally disgusts me. Then that disgust becomes the shovel for a bigger hole I'd dug for myself.

You know what. It really doesn't help to talk to anybody about this. Beating me while I'm down, is the pity others afflict upon me. That just further reminds me of what a failure I am. It doesn't help not to talk to anybody either.

I feel like I'm spiraling down a tornado. You know what's funny, I'm actually quite mentally healthy the first half of the time. I'm always ignoring negativity towards my plans and very determined. I get all excited and prepared. All blown up. Till I deflate. I'm starting to wonder if this is hormone related (which is impossible in my mind, because of how my dad blames all my mom's anger at him on *rolls eyes*) or Bi-Polar Disorder. How else can you explain that I'm perfectly fine at some times and then others I'm ****ING ****?

Sorry about that...carrying on...

I'm probably the worst employee an employer could hire. The worst friend someone can rely on. The worst student a teacher can expect from. I'm just a bag of good ideas and good intentions. But rarely deliver. Wow. I might as well put that in my CV and cut the ********.

Why does this happen to me? It's not like I want it this way! It feels like I'm walking in a park and someone takes a bat and hits me right on the back of my knees.
You know, my last therapist took the liberty to use his sessions to point out how I should just DO. Well ...listen up...It ain't that easy. Nor does my fiancée really understand either. He means well when he tells me I can do better than this, and that I shouldn't let things affect me or whatever...but that "mars" talk don't translate for me. He does however, know how to make me feel better with the right attitude.

Here I lay again in my self-dug hole.