Just wondering when the 'living' part starts and the 'surviving' part isn't about surviving each and every moment, each and every day. My birthday coming up. I'll be 40 in a couple more birthdays. But will I make it to 40? Never thought I'd make it to 13, or 16 for that matter, let alone 20, 22, 25, 29, 30, 35, 37. All these years passing me by while I'm clinging to a life of pain and desolation, not even afforded memories of good times had. Memories kept from me behind bulletproof walls inside my head. For 22 years, have had appointments with social workers, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, with all manner of therapies and medications, etc to keep me alive. To what end? I have worked so hard to have a happy life. I have the man of my dreams as my best friend and husband, three perfect healthy brilliant children, friends and a permanent good home. And yet, I'm still only just surviving. The only thing I haven't overcome is life. So much guilt. I am grateful for my blessings, every day I am gratefully grateful with whole heartedness. Darkest darkness. Oppressive overwhelming darkness smothers all of it, all of my existence. Hard thinking about tomorrow, or the next day. Experience has shown me those days will be the same as today. More of the same. More pain and darkness to endure. How much is enough? I've prayed to get off this ride, but here I am still. My punishment. Alive in hell and rotting from the inside out. A survivor? No, that implies victory, a reaching of safety, of reaching the other side. No, I am not a survivor. I am Fish. A fish out of water, gasping for breath, flip-flapping about, in pain and tired, struggling to survive, on my side looking at the bowl full of water, not understanding how I'm not inside the bowl swimming happily like I should be. Why did he take me out of the bowl? Why didn't he finish me off instead of leaving me to suffer? Or is it the neighbours fault for stopping him? Another minute and this pain would not even exist.
Thank you for hearing me.
Fish.