i'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your mother never should have talked to you like that. If anything, she should be there for you and be by your side instead of pushing you away for things you couldn't help BUT do. I completely understand when nothing quite does it like inflicting physical pain to drown out the internal conflict and void. Perhaps if she had been more supportive, you wouldn't have had to resort to that kind of thing. I'd consider telling her that! Hm!