((((krazy_phoenix))))

I have read and re-read your post and have tried to answer many times but I am afraid maybe I will not make sense or say the wrong things. Your post really touched my heart and I understand how you feel on many aspects. Just want you to know that you are not alone and that you are cared about.

You are a survivor for everyday that you are alive, you are a survivor. Each day you live is a victory in that you are alive. I do validate how you feel. The feelings of surviving in the loss, pain, darkness, and guilt makes you a survivor. But I do get it.

Sometimes the darkness feels as though it is suffocating and draining the life out of you and you wonder if there is any light. Many times that darkness seems to grab you from nowhere and no matter how hard you try to move just beyond it, it once again engulfs you.

Somewhere in it all our will to live is stronger than the darkness, stronger than even we can see many times. We did what we had to do to survive and for that the darkness cannot touch. Those memories behind the bulletproof wall will come when you are ready for them.

kp, I do not know if what I have said makes any sense but I do care and I am listening. I am glad you are here and your existence has helped so many here, myself included. Tears fall for you and I wish I had something great to say that could make it all stop, and the darkness lift.

Embrace the good hon, know you are cared about and loved here. I am glad you have your husband, children, friends, and home. You deserve that and so much more. Keep reaching out, posting, and know that we are listening and are here for you.

Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps