I had one of the hardest sessions of my life a few hours ago. It was a rough morning...got a call from my friend telling me that her grandfather passed away last night. He was just diagnosed with cancer about 3 months ago, but they gave him 6...obviously he didn't make it that long. As sad as this is for her and her family, I can't feel bad. It one of the hardest things about losing a parent when I was 19, is that I now have a hard time having sympathy for people dealing with the death of a grandparent or anyone elderly for that matter. I have a jaded view of death now.

So, after hearing that this morning, I started thinking about my dad and what his death has done to me. I have a CD that he asked me to make for him when he was dying...extremely sad, depressing songs. I listened to it after I got off the phone with my friend and on the way to therapy and sobbed.

When I got to his office, I was a wet, snotty mess. I cleaned myself up in the bathroom, but there was no hiding it. I had my head down in the waiting room when he came to get me. I was also soaked head to toe because of the gross slushy weather. For the first time I asked him if I could take my shoes off, to which he said "of course". Then I sat pretzel style on the couch..which was much better! (Someone had a thread a while ago about taking shoes off and getting comfy in therapy, and credited my comfort to that thread)

I was sniffly and stuffed up when I walked in but had my head down at first, so he asked if I was sick. But when I picked up my head he said "oh, ok". Then came the silence, he was waiting for me to explain. I told him the whole situation and how I was feeling. I also brought a book my dad left for me called "A Father's Legacy"...it is a journal-type set-up for him to tell me things about his life that I might want to know some day. My T was reading this for a while..and I was having a hard time staying present. I told him he could keep it for a while to look at when he wanted.

All of a sudden I had 20 minutes left and felt this overwhelming need to talk about my dad and try to remember the night he died. I couldn't find the words, I didn't even know what to talk about. I just knew that I was extremely emotional and I wanted to use that before I felt closed off again. I started telling him everything I remembered about that night, and what I couldn't but wish I could. I was hunched over in a ball, like caving into myself trying to be invisible. I was crying and T was very silent. I was telling him that I wish I was there when he died...what if he was looking for me or said my name...I was almost hysterical. T very quietly said my name and told me that I was torturing myself and it's things I can never know. He told me I didn't want to let him go..and I said "why would I want to?"..and he said "it's not about wanting to, it's about what you have to do to go on". I was crying even more, still with my head down and he got up very slowly and handed me the tissue box, which was right next to me. I felt embarressed because I didn't realize how messy and gross I was. We just sat there in silence for a couple minutes with the sound of my sniffling and trying to calm down. Then he said we had to stop and it was ok...it was so raw and terrible that I needed to walk away.

I feel empty, my eyes still burn from crying so much...it feels like I was gutted and then stuffed back together just to make it until my next session. The fun part is that this only the beginning...we just touched the surface today.

I'm wanting to call my T but I've never done that, I already see him twice a week. I was hoping I could get some inspirational or helpful words..or possibly just hugs on here instead. Anything anyone can spare...