I'll offer lots of hugs. Grief is so very hard, especially when you feel guilty or have put off grieving for a very long time.

I understand what you're feeling. I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. When I finally decided to let myself grieve for my brother, the most helpful thing for me was to write him a letter with everything I was feeling...the guilt, the anger, the sadness, etc. Then, I tossed my letter in the fireplace and watched it burn...watched everything go up in flames and smoke and let go of a little of those emotions.