I wrote this in a journal and I wanted to get people's opinions on it. It's about another client of my T's that was treated really unfairly by him and it made me uncomfortable. And lack trust. Before I start my treatment team is a little bit different then the typical team. All the clients know each other. We have group together. It's like inpatient, outpatient.

Today I felt a really big injustice was served toward another client and it ticked me off so badly. My therapist has a tendency to choose favorites and it drives me nuts. It's so unprofessional. So I am one of his favorites. Yay for me. I am expected to be perfect. And there is never anything wrong with me.

But another client who also had PTSD from childhood abuse who is slightly different from me in her attitude he does not like. She's overly dependent, wants things done for her. But I'm really independent and won't let anyone help me. I mean it may seem that we are opposites. But really we aren't. In the grand scheme of things, we're the same. We both spent our childhoods grown up. I stuck with it and she regressed. Neither is right. They are both unhealthy. I can't receive help at all. I may end up dead, because I can't ask anyone to help me. But she is constantly not taking responsibility for herself. As a therapist he should realize this. But he doesn't. He's so mean to her. He gets attitudes with her. He'll say things like "it's not all about you!" and "walk, no one wants to drive you".

While she's not my favorite person in the world, I respect her. Because firstly she's human. And secondly because I know that my reasons for not liking her may be because of my own issues. (i.e she can ask for help for stupid stuff and I would starve to death first). So I'm civil towards her. And she even considers me a nice person who supports her.

She's told me that she is victimized a lot and that a lot of people treat her mean. This translates to me that she is a target to people who are control freaks. Because she will take it, they will dish it out. Aka my therapist. He victimizes her and it's wrong. He's her therapist.

So today it happened again and this time she flipped out. And she deserved to! I mean it did trigger me. The yelling and cursing. But I acknowledged she deserved to freak out. He told her "we're not holding the group just for you". I wasn't around for this one, but I've heard him say others And I guarantee it wasn't what he said, it was the way he said it. His attitude. He is a therapist don't tell me he doesn't know about attitude and how he comes across to clients. He would NEVER say that to me. At the very most he would say "just come in when you're ready okay?" So she deserved to flip out.

Then a couple hours later he had all the staff, and most importantly HER convinced it was her fault she flipped out. I don't know what the staffs opinions were. They may very well think he's too harsh. But he had HER denying her feelings. She was saying "I was upset at Andy over nothing. I was really upset at my family". No you weren't. It was something. It was important until the staff told you it wasn't. Until they convinced you it was over your family And that's not fair. She should be allowed to feel. It wasn't "transference". Don't use that as an excuse all the time. My therapist is disrespectful to her at times and she deserves to be angry. For me I can pick up on this stuff. But some mental health patients can't. And it's a definite level of manipulation and emotional abuse all packed into one.

And then I wonder if he knows he's being an asshole. Because his attitude stinks. And of all people therapists should know that. If he does it purposely because he likes the control? I do know he's a control freak I get this sense in my own therapy with him. If he's having transference issues with her, because she's dependent and he doesn't like that. And prefers to only help those who are anti dependent like myself, then he needs to put it aside. That's part of being a therapist.

It makes me feel so uncomfortable. And the word "conditional" comes into mind. Like if I ever decided to start asking for help would I get treated the same? I've actually asked him this, keeping her out of it. Something pertaining to "I fear that if I start asking you for help that you'll stop wanting to help me". Because right now while I'm anti dependent he'd give the shirt off his back for me to feel half safe and it's actually sickening for me, because of my of anti dependence. Most of me pushes him away and puts up comfort zones 200 yards away. I've told him that it makes me uncomfortable (I'm all about honesty) and he's learned to back off.

Does anyone have any opinions on this? Because I feel sort of trapped. I feel really unsafe with him as a therapist, and I've expressed this to him in the past. But everytime I bring up finding a new therapist there is a new reason why I shouldn't. It went from "No, you can't you have so much more to teach me!" to "Of course it's free will but do you really think you're ready for that?" And I would answer "no" shyly. To "Well I think you need to stay here, so you can learn to trust a male". And now I finally put my foot down and said "NO MORE I AM LEAVING". And now he says my insurance won't cover another therapist. Only the program. And I don't even know how to validate this?

I am so lost and confused and he won't help me get into an inpatient facility, despite active suicidal thoughts related to my PTSD. I haven't been in a hospital in years. I think he fears that they may discharge me to another program. I want to go so that I can break this cycle at least and free myself from chains.