Sweetlove - I wish I had something inspirational to share. I don't. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Losing someone we love is awful and the grief remains for so long. I so feel for you and I feel for me and I feel for all of us.

I have lost my dear father also. One thing that helped was a friend who told me to think of the ways he lives on in me, and the ways that I can honor him and be connected with him by thinking of those things, and celebrating him. And I find that this has really helped. He does live on in me, and I find that I honor that and celebrate him by remembering those things, and by doing things that have made him happy.

I hope that doesn't sound like garbage. It is a Buddhist practice called: Touching the Earth, and it really helped. It made me understand that we are still together, he is still part of me. No, I have never let my father go.

I'll offer lots of hugs. Grief is so very hard, especially when you feel guilty or have put off grieving for a very long time.

I understand what you're feeling. I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. When I finally decided to let myself grieve for my brother, the most helpful thing for me was to write him a letter with everything I was feeling...the guilt, the anger, the sadness, etc. Then, I tossed my letter in the fireplace and watched it burn...watched everything go up in flames and smoke and let go of a little of those emotions.

Oh, Sweetlove. BIG HUGS to you.....

I still have not fully grieved for the sudden death of my father, feel guilt and torture myself for things relating to his death....so I can relate to what you're going through, and it is utterly gut-wrenching.

I have not worked through this in my therapy yet, but during the times that I've touched on it in therapy, my T told me similar things - about torturing myself and trying to control things or take blame for things that are completely out of my control.

It's so hard to let go....I hope to be at a place someday where I can willingly let go. The thought alone hits me at the core in a painful way, so it's hard to imagine.

Giving you big hugs, Sweetlove....

tons of huge hugs to you! you were brave today. I know it's so hard and hurts so much right now and I'm sorry it's like this for you, but think of this as the beginning of a journey that will be healing...