Silence was probably what I needed. Instead of leaning on my PC friends so much, I had to pull out my emotions on my own. That can be a good thing. Sometimes I want someone else to figure out my problem and solve it for me. I don't have the confidence to believe that I can figure things out on my own. Silence is golden. I have seen that in the past couple of days.

If you have been reading this thread, you know that I am struggling with anger. I could not figure out why I can't show that in therapy. Why I keep avoiding it. The revelation came to me in my whirlpool bath (i.e. my cry tub). I am directing my anger toward other people. I am blaming others for the anger I have deep inside.

The reality is that I am angry with myself! My therapist has been telling me for months that I need to forgive myself. I keep saying, "Forgive myself for what?" I was really getting ticked off at her for bringing that up every other session! I did not understand what she meant by that.

Well, I get it! My anger is because of me and the choices I have made in my life. Choices that have brought me a lot of pain and grief. Choices that I wish I could go back and do over. I am angry with myself for making such stupid, irrational decisions that dictate my life each and every day!

I am realizing and accepting that I have the power to rise above this. I have the power to make the changes that need to be made. No matter what anyone else says, no matter how hard my lifestyle is, I have the power to make things better. WOW! That was a huge revelation for me tonight. I am the one holding me back. I am the one who chooses to stay in this state of unhappiness.

I am the one who has to change. I cannot wait on people around me to change. I cannot control what others do, but I can control what I do. I want to get out of this hole that I have dug for myself. I stay in here because I fear that if I come out, someone will knock me back down and I will be right back in that hole again. So, why bother even coming out?

Because I have the power to stand up against anything that comes against me, that's why!! I just have to believe in myself and when things overwhelm me, instead of retreating, I have to stand up for myself and say, "No, I am not accepting that for my life. I am better than that. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be successful. I deserve to be treated fairly by others. I deserve to be here and to be loved unconditionally!"

I try to blame my spouse and things he has done to hurt me, but in reality, I am not angry with him. I am upset with some things he has done (does), but ultimately I am angry at myself for what I have and haven't done. I don't like myself at all. This is another thing my therapist keeps bringing up that makes me ill at her!

She makes me ill about a lot of things she says, but most of them have come to fruition! I guess when she sits with me week after week and listens to me, and takes in my body language (that speaks a lot about a person), she picks up on things that I think I am hiding. Some things I did not even know I was hiding because I refused to look at them. I refused to allow them to surface. I buried them long ago. The funeral was over and I did not think I would ever see them again.

Well, that doesn't work! In therapy, everything we buried comes out. It is all laid out on the table. ALL OF IT! That is the only way that we can truly heal. Healing is a good thing. That is goal. I want to leave the old Squiggle behind, and allow the new Squiggle to be seen!!

Revelations. They are miracles of the mind! Melt downs in the tub can be very therapeutic!