I'm re-posting these lyrics from another thread because this is really where I'm at now. It's so much easier to just be alone. Trying to figure out how to maneuver in the world is way too hard. Relationships are fraught with danger. I don't understand myself and therefore do not understand my own motives. Therapy though has unveiled a forgotten memory of my father taking his belt off. I don't remember anymore about that but it may explain why I have such a fear response to anything that looks like disapproval or my 'getting into trouble'. My reactions are probably extreme. Hopefully my T can help me get through this but for now I'm withdrawing.

From Simon and Garfunkul:
I am a rock
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need for friendship; friendship causes pain,
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no once touches me.
I am a rock
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.