---The trigger warning is there because of mention of suicide, although I am not going into detail about methods, etc.---

I don't know if anyone has really noticed, but I haven't been on PC in a while. I've been feeling really horrible and was just isolating myself. I am so emotionally drained after trying so hard in everything, forcing myself to do everything everyday, and then just watching things get worse. I have also been on medication that I think made things worse (It was an SSRI and I am 19 years old, so I'm within the age range where suicidal thoughts are a possible side effect).

I very rarely call my T. She even keeps telling me I should call her more often. I just either don't want to bother her or don't think it will help. But yesterday, I decided to give it one last try before I completely decided that calling her would never be worth it.

I did, and she sent me an email at about midnight saying that she will be out of town on Saturday and can call me back on Sunday afternoon, and that I have the crisis numbers if I need them.

I called her early Friday afternoon because I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it through the weekend. Calling Sunday afternoon is when the weekend is over, and I am seeing her on Monday. I called her because I didn't think that if things got worse I would be able to call the crisis number because I find that terrifying. Calling her took a lot of energy, and I am already drained.

I know I'm taking it the wrong way. People go out of town and she can't be there every second of her life. But after being encouraged to call only to be told that she can't get back to me when I need her to has only added to the issue. Especially since I nearly attempted suicide last week. I feel like I am not worth her time and all my fears about calling have been confirmed. I just have no energy left now. I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up crying too. It has been feeling like I have to force myself to try everything and then things just get worse, and now this happens and I just really want to give up. It just hurts so much to finally reach out and then have nothing be there when you need it.