I had something else in mind I wanted to post yesterday.......but before I could get around to it, I just simply, unexpectedly fell into a sort of dark, heavy place where it feels like the air is thick and it's hard to move against the current.....hence this depressing post instead of a more uplifting one.
I had session yesterday morning and we had company too.....so I had support, I had the presence of dear/trusted people around me, and yet I began to feel a sense of a big empty space within, a sense that I will always be alone inside myself with a pain and a huge need that is intimately mine and mine alone and no one can come in and share it with me or take it away from me, a sense that no matter how much I am loved/how much I love somehow it will all never be enough.....
Somehow I know some of this is springing from the feeling of discontent with the pain involved in therapy and in my attachment with my T.....if only it didn't hurt, if only.....
Some of this heavy dark feeling is deep grief, I think......mourning for the feeling of needs/longing being opened up by the strong deep attachment I feel for my T, mourning for the fact that there is an inequality in the love felt and that the needs I am feeling far outweigh what can be given, by her or by anyone at all - hence the feeling that no matter what is given, it won't fill the space inside, which only seems to keep expanding the further along in therapy I go. And right now, it feels like no one and nothing in this life, in this world will ever fill it......and so I am mourning, I think.....mourning the truth that no amount of human love will ever seem like enough, because how can I expect any person to have the capacity to give the width and depth and vastness of love I seem to need to fill the aching infinite space within?
If only I could open my heart and let the pain out without having to feel it again or to feel like there are new wounds being opened because of therapy and my attachment to my T.....if only I could have the healing of therapy and the comfort of the attachment without the hurt that seems to come with it all.....but I know, even in this deep, dark place I'm in at the moment it doesn't work that way and that I have to go through the pain to find the healing and the healing will be deeper and more true because the pain has been faced and accepted.....
I know this is long and I'm sorry.....it seems the more pain and more emotion I feel, the more words I use .... and these words are the tears I seem unable to cry otherwise. It just helps to let them out some way.....So thanks for reading them!