I had my first major depression episode at age 20. They put me on Paxil and I had a psychotic response. I was only diagnosed with bipolar at age 29. I'm now 31 and after 2 years of searching, I'm on a meds combo that is keeping my depression much lower than it has been in years and I feel stable, even positive in the mornings. I think the others are right and you do have options if you seek treatment. I knew why I was depressed, but it didn't make it go away. Only the meds have made it go away. Maybe therapy and exercise have helped too.

Current combo:
Cymbalta: 60mg AM & PM
Geodon: 20mg AM & PM, 60mg before bed
benztropine: 1mg AM & PM
lamotrigine: 50mg PM
diazepam: 2.5mg before bed
levothyroxine: 50mcg AM (hypothyroidism)

This has worked wonders for me and I have my mood tracking scores to prove it. I take the depression and mania test on this site every day for the past couple years.

I know the thought of taking meds or talking to someone regularly about your depression or existential crisis may seem intimidating, but I'll vouch that it has been the best decision I made. The science of combating psychological pain has developed rapidly in the past 20 years. The side effects are getting more tolerable or non-existent if you're on the correct ones for your body and mind.

All this to say, I encourage you to take the risk of seeking help. Doing nothing doesn't even have the possibility of getting better. Weigh your options.

Wishing you all the best.