"Reality is negotiable" - Tim Ferriss
I often feel that my imaginations are real. You may call them hallucinations, but i believe that it is perhaps the real world, rather than that which we live in, which is possibly fake. This is why the quote is relevant

Also, i feel the need to say, I dont believe in love. I believe that it is an illusion. Yet I still get crushes on people. I say that I also have no sexual desires so should be asexual, but am not (although, thats not true, i just cant show my body to anyone - scars all over the place and scab-spot-blister things on my breasts). The reason I feel the need to say this is that I thought that "love" would cure me before, which it did not. There was no love, just lust and selfishness, which is all now broken entirely.

This is an email I sent the other day to an online helper (a bit like samaritains, but less well known):

Hello.
I don't really know how to start this. It's been quite a while since I last tried to find help.
I feel very scared about...nothing I suppose. I can't pinpoint a reason, because there doesn't seem to be one.
Then I feel so very guilty. I have this neverending suffocating blunt kind of guilt which is just general guilt, for no reason.
But then I get another type of guilt which is caused by things I have no control over/wasn't even a part of. For example, when I was at college the other week, my dad went shopping and bought things on the self service checkouts. He didnt realise that note change comes out a different place to coin change, so he left a £5 note behind. I got told about this a few days later, and felt so guilty I couldn't move, i just had to curl up for a while.
And then there's the guilt that I get so often that really is my fault. When my parents give me money for lunch, or buy me things. When I fail at things and let down my parents. I'm their only child, so when I mess up, it means that all of their children are failures.
I feel that there isn't much point in my life. I'm never going to do anything, so there's no point in me. I just feel worthless and hopeless and that there isn't any point in trying. This gets in the way of my college work sometimes. And I know that the teachers are right, and it's just me being lazy, but it's really hard to even try if there's no point.
I'm not considering suicide. I've tried and failed several times, just ending up very ill. Now it just seems like more of a hassle than staying alive. I mean, it would cost my parents so much for everything after death, and maybe someone would feel sad. So no, I don't want to die. I just wished that I never existed.
I'm just not worth anything. I'm not clever, talented, musical, athletic, pretty, thin, artistic, funny, friendly. I can't concentrate. I can't control my imagination. I can't do anything. I'm nothing. I'm just a massive piece of meat covered in disgusting scars.
It's been this way for over 6 years now. None of my friends or family know. I can't go to the doctors because it scares me. I tried talking to the college counciller, but I just ended up humiliated and crying talking about the past, and getting nothing really out of it. Perhaps it was because after the session when I got asked if I thought I was depressed, I never went back. Because I can't be depressed. I have nothing to be depressed about. My family life is good, my friends are good, I've got pretty much everything I could ever need or want. It's so selfish of me to feel this way.
I just don't know what to do. I've asked for help online so many times, but it's always the same things "Go to your doctor", "Tell your parents", "Tell your family", and I know you'll say the same things because that's what I should do. But I just can't.
I can't burden my friends with anything. They have their own big issues to deal with. So big that they ask for help - they truly need it most.
I can't tell my parents. They don't believe in mental illness, comfort eating, etc. And then they'd blame themselves, and it's not their fault.
I'm just so stuck.
And look at me, I'm rude. I never even asked how you were. I'm really very sorry. How are you?
Don't worry about getting back to me. It's okay. There are more important things to deal with. Just thanks for even reading this. Sorry for the length of it too.
Bekki xxx

Now I'm very stuck. I didnt get on my uni course. I felt bad then found a college course for a year so I could apply to uni the next year (even with the higher rates). Then I found that you couldnt do that cours without a year in a crummy course beforehand. So now I feel so stuck that i almost am considering suicide again. But before that, self harm (i havent in months....it's hard to stay strong right at this moment).

I know I really need help but I dont know how i can. I cant tell parents, family or friends (see above, letter thing), but I cant go to the doctors on my own. Gah!

Sorry for the waste of time, even more so than usual. This has gotten to be a bit long. xxx