((((((((((Squiggle)))))))))))
Twice during my therapy, I thought I was feeling an erotic transference for my T...and both times when I told him about it..*poof*...it vanished. VANISHED. I think in those situations, the feelings were so big in my head and when I got them out in the open, it turned out to be not such a big deal. Like so many of the things in my head
On the other hand, as I was in the process of becoming attached to T, there were many, many, many times when I just withdrew. I didn't care anymore, didn't want to go to therapy, etc. I think there was a lot of fear in letting myself feel those attached feelings...I didn't know if I was going to get hurt, or rejected, or thrown out, or if T was going to change his mind about me, or a million other things. And I had grown up without being attached to anyone, and the feeling was just TOO SCARY sometimes...so I would shut it down. Not consciously, but it happened anyway.
It took a long time to reach a point where my feelings for T are pretty consistent. I love him, and I know it's safe to love him, and I know that he loves me, and I know it's safe for him to love me. I really BELIEVE that he would never hurt me on purpose, and I really BELIEVE that his feelings aren't going to suddenly change. I don't know exactly when the turning point was, but there was a lot of back and forth and back and forth before we got to this point.
I honestly think the best thing to do is just. keep. showing. up. Every week, week in and week out. Feelings will come and go, but if we don't show up to do the work, we can't move forward. So. Go if you feel attached, go if you don't feel attached, go if you want to go, go if you want to run away. For me, that was the only way to work through the craziness that is the therapeutic relationship.
Sending hugs...therapy is hard work!


