you (and i mean this in the kindest way- please dont think me harsh) have a very negative view of yourself. Now im not gonna tell you to tell your parents or go to a doc. You have said you cant and i will accept that. Do you know much about cbt? Cognitive behavioural therepy? Get online. See if you can find examples that you would be willing to try in your own life. Your negative self talk may not be the big issue here, but its not helping. Do you want to change? Because you can
You are obviously a beautiful soul.
You just need to look at what you have written here from an outsiders perspective.
Have you got someone , anyone who can support you, that you are willing to turn too about all this?
You need to learn to see that you are worthy of help.
Xxxxxxxx