I have therapy tomorrow. I've been thinking about this ever since my last appointment and I think I've finally figured out what I want to say to her.

So I am thinking about sending her this email today. I took some of these thoughts word-for-word from this thread.

I'm unsure if it makes sense or if I should send it. I guess part of my hesitation is that I don't really know what to expect her response to be, and I don't know what I *want* it to be.

I am not sure if she is the right T to help me through the trauma work. But I feel stuck because I don't think another T would take me right now because of my eating d/o.

If anyone has any feedback or thoughts, good or bad, I would really appreciate it.

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Dear T,

I have been thinking about something you said last time we met:
"I don't understand why you are letting this contaminate the rest of your life, and why you haven't chosen to keep that part contained."

I keep wondering how this is different than saying, 'Get over it.'
If I could simply just choose why would I be in therapy?
This power to just choose seems pretty similar to "control" and isn't this what eating disorders are all about anyway?
Isn't there a process of dealing with what happened that will help me get to the point of healing where I can make that choice?

I realize I am pretty stuck right now, and maybe I have been for a while. I understand some of the things I need to do to move forward and that I haven't been willing to try to do these things....my fears are holding me back. I feel like I 'can't' do them, but the reality is that I 'won't' do them.

I can't help but wonder if you're getting frustrated with me, or if you feel like therapy won't be helpful for me until I can get myself to be more 'willing.' But I can't figure out how to be more willing, so things seem kind of hopeless.

So these have been some of my thoughts and I wanted to put them out there ahead of my next appointment because I would like to talk about them and I wasn't sure if I would be able to express them well enough in person.
~darkrunner