How do you save someone who won’t save themselves? Surely the best way to go about doing this is to not ever give up on that person. I, in my greatest time of need, was abandoned. I know how devastating that feels. No one wants to feel alone when the enemy is inside you. So I nearly ate myself sick time and time again. Too much of a freak to exist in society. Rejected. It’s even nicer when the person who cast you off was someone who loved you. In that case, you get sort of a double whammy effect.
I do not feel any sort of obligation to anyone, yet I create my own obligations to empower my own self-worth. These are the ways that I attempt to grapple with responsibility, and improve myself as a person. This process is long and slow with very few short-term rewards. But the alternative is unacceptable. I cannot simply go through life dwelling in my own misery, self-pity, mortification, and self-consciousness. The world is out there, waiting. It’s a hard, cold world. It is the only one we have. It is your only chance at life.
There is a time for learning. There is a time for trust. But I will let you make all your own mistakes; otherwise, life is simply sheltered from you. Your inexperience in the world saddens me, but it is not the end. It is only the beginning. At least, I hope you see that too.
I’m sorry to sound like I’m speaking in riddles, but I’m not. This is the language of depression. It is an internal monster, a parasite. Depression is the hand behind the marionette. Depression is the ulterior motive; it is working regardless of if you believe that it is there or not. In my experience, the only way to get an advantage on this enemy is to shine a light on it and recognize it for what it is.
It comes in cycles. Sometimes everything seems just fine, and the world is a refreshing, distracting place. Distraction will keep your mind from the enemy, but it does not solve the problem. If ignored, it only gets worse, and it does it without detection. Your tolerance for things will begin to slow down, irritability prevails, the world no longer accepts what you are. Depression makes the pieces of the puzzle not fit together, when it really looks like they should fit together. To be infuriated over this situation is what leads to change; complacency leads to disaster. Denial to death. Sudden and unexpected. Mostly unexpected.
This is a plea to the depressed. You are on the downward turn, and you are headed to the bottom. I cannot change course, only you can. I am in the position of someone who must watch their loved ones suffer the pain I am all too familiar with. But to preserve the sanctity and trust of friendship, I will do all I can within my power, but if I must, I will watch you suffer and fail. I can’t stop you from making the choices that you are making, you have to see it for what it is. I can’t ease your suffering until you join the fight with me. You already know that, and that damnable misery of it. You know exactly what you need to do to get better, but you find yourself incapable of doing it.
The sad part is that the signs are clear to everyone else except the person who is suffering. The level of acceptable self-pity grows. The excuses for poor behavior accumulate. Reality is twisted into a pathetic spectacle of failure. Those who should love you have abandoned you. You’re all alone to fight this fight. You really are. Those of us who are still left by your side, despite our sadness, will never leave you. When all hope seems to be lost, I will always have an open door for you. I will always listen. I will not interfere. I will watch you sink to the depths of suffering, and I will watch you bring yourself out of it. Because you must, for your life, for your future.
It tries to get us, those of us susceptible to it. The one thing we have is our similarity in our situations. This enemy takes a different shape depending on who you are, but it is still the same enemy. There are ways to fight it, and there are ways to let it take you down. The choice is ultimately yours, even if the council has been unsound.
To the depressed: I stand with you. I will fight with you, however you want me to. If that means I must stand back and watch you die, then that is what I must do. Your life is led by you, and you alone. Do with it what you will. I will be here, when you need me.
To those who love the depressed: stand by their side. Let them know that no matter how ugly the depression becomes, no matter how futile your attempts at solving the depression are, no matter how low and how despicable your loved ones become because of this terrible disease, you must not leave them. If you love them, truly, you will not leave them. If you love them you will help them in the only way you can: by simply being there for them.
The great mistake in approaching this problem is that we think it can be solved from outside sources. The power has always been in the hands of the one who is suffering. They just can’t see it. This is for you to help them see, this is how you will save them. You can’t convince someone to be not depressed, but you can be an anchor in reality. And in their mind, there is no reality. Give that to them. Make them feel that they have a purpose. Leave the rest to them.
Don’t be sad you fail. Depression was no match for you. It has always been stronger, better than you. It’s inside you where you can’t get out. And it has convinced you to stop fighting it. You have surrendered. And those who love you have left you. And those that are left will only criticize you for how you live your life. There is no point in going on. In fact, your presence in this reality has been unwanted for some time, and the sooner you remove yourself from it the better. We are all waiting for you to go away. You are lazy, unmotivated, and a degenerate. You are worth nothing. Your life has no substance. You’re wasting everyone’s time. We all hate you and want you to die. We will be happy when you are dead. We hardly even notice you now. Except when what you did do something for us. So die, we don’t care, will just get someone else to do the work you’re not doing anymore. This is all you are. A number in an equation. Easily replaced, easily forgotten. So by all means, forget those medications, leave them on your kitchen counter. Depression has already won. No sense in taking the pills anymore. This is who you really are. This is the brain God gave you. This is what your life has become.
Stand with me, and love them silently: with strength and stability, we will do all we can within our power to save you. But you must save your self first.