My wife and I just "celebrated" 27 years together this February. And she has just recently found out how disturbed I have been all these years. She has known about a lot of my past including a very terrible childhood. But I don't think that she knew just how much my problems have affected me and our relationship over the years until recently. I am afraid that the overload of all the labels that are being affixed to me by the mental health people are going to drive her away.
She has just realized this past week just how bad things are with me since I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, and depression. She got to hear things like Bipolar and AvPD to describe why I have acted the way I have as long as she has known me (and before).
She comes from a "normal" household and close family, and just doesn't understand these things. I sometimes think that she doesn't want to understand them or worse, deal with them. I don't blame her. I am considering ending the relationship so that she can move on and find someone that isn't so messed up. She can enjoy her life, and I can be miserable by myself and not affect/infect her anymore or anyone else for that matter.
I am seeing a therapist starting this Friday, have already been put on Depakote, and am hoping that something can make things better. (The Depakote has helped to stabilize my mood swings I think, but has done nothing for the depression).Though I have little hope of that since I have been through all of this psych stuff before and it got me nowhere in the past except drugged and hospitalized with the same problems haunting me.
As messed up as I am, I have tried and tried to connect to people the best way I know how. And have failed miserably at every turn.
How could that be when I have been in a relationship for 27 years? Because she is a sweetheart that wouldn't hurt a fly and doesn't want to hurt my feelings or face the facts that I am a burden to her and her dreams. That's how. I don't think it is anymore unbelievable than a person that stays with a drunk or a physically abusive person for that many years or more. People hang on to others all the time that just don't make good sense.
I am rambling now. I will post this this time. I have deleted a couple times already. I guess I will never know just how much things can change if I don't try. I do believe that I must step outside of my comfort zone for that to happen, btw.