((((((Poetgirl))))))

I could have written this about 4 months ago. My boyfriend of 6 years had broken up with me out of nowhere, I was just starting to feel excruciating grief for my dad, and I was finally getting somewhere in therapy. All of those things came to a head and my world crumbled beneath me. I started to become extrememly attached and dependent on my T...I even wrote him a letter about it and how horrible I felt telling him that. I thought my T was filliing that supportive/loving void that my ex-boyfriend so thoughtfully left me with. I had this overwhelming sense of "everyone I love leaves me and my love doesn't matter to anyone"...I felt like my life was over because it didn't matter how many people I still had in my life that loved me...it would never be enough because the hole was to big to fill.

I don't feel as bad now...and this is what I have learned...
Reach out to as many people as you can...whether you feel like you are burdening them/putting them out, whatever you are telling yourself, USE them...this means calling them when you are under the covers in bed, going over their house just to watch TV because you need to get out of yours, making them go for coffee with you just because you need something to do with yourself. Eventually doing those things will fill some of the emptiness and longing for happiness. Also...be dependent on your T, I've learned that my issues with being needy and dependent are far worse than my actual neediness and dependency.

AND THE BIG ONE...medication. I'm sorry to the people who are against meds and feel like "you have a process and you should do without being medicated"..but there are some people that have a chemical imbalance that can only be fixed with medication. I, nor my T, are "pill-pushers"..actually my T is usually not that fond of meds...but a couple of months ago he said "you are not a complicated case, you are depressed and need an antidepressant...plain and simple"...so I saw my old Pdoc and she put me on zoloft and I've felt much better since. I was just talking to my T about this on Friday and he said that he doesn't want me on so many med that I stop feeling things..he just wants to take the edge off the terrible, excruciating pain when I'm in the "dire straits". I know you had a bad reactiont to a medication, so I hope you have a good Pdoc that is going to treat you with care and concern, but if you can be put on somthing else, I think it would help immensly with the huge hole you are feeling.

Anyway, I will stop rambling now...hope I could help some..and I really hope you start to feel a little better soon. Take care of yourself