DEFINITELY not alone. The pain is just total and complete HELL right now, but it is definitely taking us somewhere, toward healing, toward understand and insight......toward (dare I say it??) an ability to love and accept ourselves. Hang in there, ok??

I think this is what we are all struggling with. The ability to love and accept ourselves. What is up with that? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we think that 'everyone else' has their act together? Why do we care what others think?

poetgirl.i am so sorry things are so painfull for you and your relationship with your T.i dont really have any answers as you know the issues i am having.but i want you to know that i am thinking of you and i hope you are able to talk this out with your T.

I don't feel as bad now...and this is what I have learned...
Reach out to as many people as you can...whether you feel like you are burdening them/putting them out, whatever you are telling yourself, USE them...this means calling them when you are under the covers in bed, going over their house just to watch TV because you need to get out of yours, making them go for coffee with you just because you need something to do with yourself. Eventually doing those things will fill some of the emptiness and longing for happiness. I'm learning that just reaching to a few trusted friends and feeling supported helps....PC is helping with this, too.
Also...be dependent on your T, I've learned that my issues with being needy and dependent are far worse than my actual neediness and dependency. This struck home.....I hate being needy, I hate feeling needy....I even, dare I say, think I feel ashamed of being needy. And ashamed of having love for my T and being so attached to her. I don't feel safe being needy or having it so clear how much I need love.....I guess I keep equating being needy with not being self-sufficient or strong enough.

AND THE BIG ONE...medication. I'm sorry to the people who are against meds and feel like "you have a process and you should do without being medicated"..but there are some people that have a chemical imbalance that can only be fixed with medication. I, nor my T, are "pill-pushers"..actually my T is usually not that fond of meds...but a couple of months ago he said "you are not a complicated case, you are depressed and need an antidepressant...plain and simple"...so I saw my old Pdoc and she put me on zoloft and I've felt much better since. I was just talking to my T about this on Friday and he said that he doesn't want me on so many med that I stop feeling things..he just wants to take the edge off the terrible, excruciating pain when I'm in the "dire straits". I know you had a bad reactiont to a medication, so I hope you have a good Pdoc that is going to treat you with care and concern, but if you can be put on somthing else, I think it would help immensly with the huge hole you are feeling. I have an appt with a pdoc next Monday, to see about getting a diagnosis and figuring out meds.....my T wants him to focus on ruling out/confirming bipolar. I'm not a med person, either, but I feel like it's OK to concede I need the help of meds, at least right now.

Anyway, I will stop rambling now...hope I could help some.. you did, more than you could know, I think!

poetgirl76 - you've noticed how many people resonate with your pain. Maybe not so much with specifically attachment to their T but to the pain that resides in the desire to love and be loved. I truly believe that the purpose of life is to find love and when we aren't able, we suffer tremendously. I agree that there is a very basic human need to love and be loved both....and that a lot of suffering and pain comes from the lack of it, the withholding of it, the misuse/abuse of it....
No, I believe there is something deeper that we all yearn for and seek. yes.... And it's our job, if we want to live a satisfying life, to find that deeper part of our SELVES. We keep grasping outside. Maybe we should explore 'inside'. and yes, again.....there is a soul within crying out for deeper, truer love and fulfillment and grace that doesn't come so much from material things, really.....

Just some random thoughts. I do feel for you because I feel the lack of love also. thank you so much for your insightful thoughts....not random, but purposeful, I think.