Twighlight, I was reading your post, and I realized how thoughtful, creative, and clever it was. You expressed the feelings you feel, felt, and wished you felt. Your very intelligent.
I'm sorry this happened to you in your past. But it is now the past, it's only you for the future. Nobody, not your parents, mean kids from school, church, whatever it was that had controll over you can keep you hostage anymore. Only you can keep yourself hostage from living a happy and productive life. You determine your future.
I think your quite clever, and I believe you will do well with your future. Don't let your past swallow you up. You can do anything you want now.
I hope you feel better, don't be so hard on yourself.
Desirae