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I am a mess right now, and I’m just posting this to get it out there somewhere to see if I can try to understand it – or if anyone can help me understand where all this is coming from.
I posted on the group T blog and stated the following to the co-facilitator, “I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, but I’m curious to know why you didn’t put the placeholder post up on Tuesday night. I’m wondering if it’s out of spite, or because it’s just not important enough to you, or if there’s some other reason why you’re unable to be consistent with that commitment. It helps me feel as though you are not committed to the needs of the group – or at least my needs, in particular. If you’re unable to post it on Tuesday, then perhaps another solution can be found. I’d be more than happy to take that on, however that would mean that blog posts would be emailed to me which I don’t feel is ideal.”
He responded saying, “I was overly optimistic about getting the notes up early this week and had hoped that the placeholder would not be necessary. I do apologize and will put the placeholder in following Tuesday night’s session.”
I thanked him for his response.
My ex then texted me because he got the psych eval done per court order, and he said that he believes I will be pleased with the outcome and that the report will be provided to me and my attorney this week. He also said that he is hoping that our daughter can go with him on Saturday to celebrate his dad’s birthday. I responded to my ex that I am relieved, that I look forward to getting the report, and I will keep Saturday open so that our daughter can spend time with him and his family.
I then felt such incredible sadness….such guilt….for having him go through this awful mess, because I decided to call the cops that night, get the restraining order, demand supervised visitation, demand the psych eval. I feel so so so awful about it, even though I KNOW that HE was the one who brought it on himself by doing what he did that night. And even though I realize that he needs to be held accountable for his own actions, I still feel like he’s that little boy who doesn’t know any better…and my heart just cries for him. There are parts of him that I miss, and parts of him that I want so desperately to help and nurture and love.
And then, all of a sudden, I felt TERRIBLE about posting that note to the co-facilitator. I started feeling guilty about putting him on the spot like that, for not being more caring or softer, or more understanding.
ACK!!!
Then, I’ve been sitting here STILL with an awful migraine, looking out my front window to see my neighbor across the street – the one who violated me – packing up his truck…and they finally moved. This man is an alcoholic who does not leave the house, and I saw him get in the truck with his girlfriend and drive to their new home over an hour away. He will now be a hermit in his new house, not right across the street from me. I just started bawling my eyes out. All this emotion is overwhelming. He’s finally gone. Finally. Yet, this emotion does not feel good at all. It’s gut wrenching pain as opposed to relief. Or maybe that’s what the relief is supposed to feel like? Or maybe it’s just all that pent up fear and sadness and pain and yuck just pouring out…
I feel so messed up right now.
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Don't follow the path that lies before you. Instead, veer from the path - and leave a trail...
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