Been "happy" all day... which is a first for a while I have been low and now I am "happy".

Came at a cost as I hurt myself a few nights ago and have hurt myself again. I am gonna have to tell my CPN today in 14 hours EVERYTHING that has went on since my emergency app with him on Thursday. Really not looking forward to that.

When I went on Thursday I took 2 anxiety attacks while there 1 of which he witnessed. Kinda embarrassed. He asked me questions and when I had to leave the room for the toilet he started reading my notes. He read out a passage from my Psych app a week before then. He also read my initial recommendation letter from GP stating I have been suicidal in the past, self harmed and what I did and how I did it. I am so surprised to the detail in the report/letter. Why would my GP write all of that. Is she mad at me? I have never thought of it like that.

He may suggest an anti-depressant to go along with the depression at the moment. Kinda unsure if I want it as I am already on Seroquel 50mg and Depakote 1200mg. I have been reading people talking about anti-depressants while on these and I have read it works well and it sometimes doesn't.

I guess I am really writing cause I am scared in a sense. I want to show them that I am better and that the thoughts and feelings of suicide and hurting myself are gone. But I don't think they will be convinced.

On Wednesday I have a meeting with my Area Manager as I have been off work for 2 months their choice not mines. This meeting is determining if I go back to work or if they dismiss me under the "unfit to work" law. If they do the latter I am screwed for employment. I have worked for the past 8 years non stop since becoming ill I have been off 211 days which is over 2 years. I am screwed anyway.... would you hire me. In my line of work(I work ironically in the mental health profession but more in the care/social side) I need to be well and I need to be 110% which at the moment I am not. My GP has recommended I stay off for a bit longer but says I can do my job no dooubt about it. Dreading this meeting!!!!

I am rambling and I know I am and I am sorry but I am buzzed and I am unsure who to talk to and what to think and all my thoughts are coming out as fast as I can tyoe if not more so. Its nearly 2am and I don't see myself sleeping anytime soon