The tangled web we weave...

I admitted to her I had an emotional affair. I call it a 75% affair. I guess that makes me feel better somehow that it never went to a hotel or bedroom but damage was still done.
To add to the story I did in fact find out she was doing the same thing. 100's of texts and hours of calls to a number she had attached to a different name in her cell phone. I did phone search and it belongs to the guy I was suspecting all along.

So. We had several heart to hearts. We both admit our marriage had been dead for several years. No love, no affection. It's all about the kids and jobs. We both have taken blame. I think we both see how the affairs started, someone who responds, shows interest, has new stories, the endorphins start pumping...

We are going to counselor Wednesday. We have both verbally said we want to try to hash this out. She isn't crazy about counselor because of bad childhood experience.

I have a few questions.

1. How do you ever trust again. Everything she does now sets me off. I do nothing but worry about it starting up again.

2. How do you know if the other person is serious about the counseling or just going through the motions to 'prove' the marriage is done.

We have both been trying to show more affection and use I love you's and touch and kiss and use nicer language.

Last night I lost it and yelled and set us back a step. I can't keep my head together and am self destructing. I don't handle stress well and I make things worse by my poorly thought out responses.

Any ideas on what to do until Wednesday to help me keep it together? Anything I could do before our session to make it more productive? How can I know if she is really trying or not?

HELP. We have created a train wreck.