This is so huge MUE, and such an incredibly difficult thing to do. I think that sometimes, it IS just about embracing the chaos, and sort of trusting that you WILL find your way out, and that you DO have the wisdom and the strength necessary to get you through and to the place you need to be.....even if you don't even know where that place is yet.

Guilt is a huge one for me too. I tend to ruminate about things that I've done and decisions I've made, and analyze every little thing trying to decide if I should have/could have done things differently/better, etc.... It's hard to let go of the guilt, but sometimes it's helpful for me to just keep reminding myself that worrying about it, and beating myself up is not going to change what has already happened....I can't go back in time and make different choices and/or behave in different ways. What I do have control over is right now, and my actions and decisions in the future. Something my T told me once is, if you spend time focused and worrying about the past, you miss what you have in the present. This stuck with me because I am so tired of missing my life....the good things especially. I don't know if this helps any but I wanted to just share my experience and let you know that I can understand.

Also, it sounds like you have a ton going on....maybe agree to give yourself some time and space to think, reflect, and let your thoughts sort themselves out. Sometimes chaos and pain tends to pile atop chaos and pain and we need some time to just unjumble our thoughts and find our footing. It's ok to take that time and to be in that place.