I need to move far far away where no one knows me and start my life over. I have failed in my life, my ship has sailed. I need to get out i am doing no one any good being here. I have failed my children, my parents, and anyone that has ever tried to get close to me. I have always ruined it. I was an open book with my first husband and all he could do was use it all against me thru out our entire marriage. My parents have never understood me. I started having problems at 15 and they sent me away for over a year. I had my 16th birthday in an outdoor treatment center. I started doing drugs/drinking when I got out and now in my 30's can say I've done every drug out there. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm getting my car back today after my suicide attempt and my dad is freaking out. I have to live with them now and he says I will only be able to use my car for work. I have talked to no one from my past since my attempt and he thinks now that I have a car I'm just going to jump right back into everything, which I was not doing anything really before this happened. I was isolating and not talking to one anyway. Which is pretty much all I want now. I want to be left alone, I want everyone in my life to go away and leave me alone. I don't want to talk, I don't want to open up. I just want to go away. I wish I had died on the table in that operating room, forget the blood transfusion they should have just let me bleed out. Or I should not have screwed up and put the bullet thru my heart instead of hitting the other side and screwing up my lung. I have failed my children in every possible way and see them every other saturday for 8 whole hours. What is wrong with me, Iv'e asked before if anyone in the family has problems like me and nope I'm the only one who is bi-polar and majorly depressed. I've been on almost every medication there is and nothing works, been on 6 at one time and nothing. I think there is no hope for me anymore. I need to start over no one would miss me anyway.