Wow, thanks for getting back to me about this. You might be onto something with the sensory integration--interpretation?--thing. I'm learning new things about myself and my ways every day. I need to know the rules for touching, and what I'm supposed to do in response when someone touches me or stands close to me. No one ever told me what I'm supposed to do, and there have to be rules about those things or else how am I going to do it right? I don't know what to do, I never have, so I panic and instinctively shut down, both emotionally and physically. I get flustered and dizzy and I have to put distance between me and them, and I get upset and angry and want to cry. I know the rules and standard procedures for everything else, like work and responsibility to my boss, and I always finish a job once I've started it.

I don't lie, or make fun of people, or ignore polite greetings or handshakes when I am meeting someone, because I know I have to because it's a rule. I tell the truth, and I don't cheat or break the law or gossip. Those things are wrong things. I don't like to hug family and friends, but I have to because it's the right thing. I'm polite back because it's the right thing. And so on.

I want to have sex, actually, so the asexual thing seems off to me. I didn't start developing the desire to have sex with someone until my 20s, like I said. I don't think I'd like kissing though, or hand holding, or having to cuddle with someone. I don't know the rules for when to do that and even why. Why do people hold hands when they're just walking around on the street, instead of just when they are talking specifically about love? Why just start kissing randomly, and how do they know when to keep going or stop or talk about it?

The thought of a boyfriend just touching me on a whim, with no warning or logical reason, makes me panic. The proximity thing is the worst, though. I know to just stand there and act relaxed when a family member comes to hug me or touch me, but the thought of a guy getting too close in my space, assuming he can just get up in my face...it makes me furious and I see red.

What guy would be willing to do things the way I have to do them when I'm this way? Plus now, I'm in my mid 20s and all the girls--women--my age are experienced in doing all the things guys want and can do them without freaking out at the drop of a hat. Why would a guy put up with all this weirdness when he can have a--sorry--normal girl who doesn't need a manual to figure these things out?

quote=Callista;1725081]Hey, don't panic. I've been autistic my whole life, and it's just normal for me. As far as the world's concerned, no, I'm not normal; but this is MY normal, and being normal according to society would be abnormal for me. Does that make sense? You have to be who you are, not who the world says you ought to be.

All you'd be doing, if it turns out you're autistic, is putting a name to what you've always been. Still the same person. Plus, at your age, at your level of independence, you may not even need any outside help. You can only be diagnosed with autism if there is what they call "significant impairment"--i.e., you take a lot more effort to do things; you need help with things; you need technological assistance, etc. Lots of people who were in their childhood diagnosable are not now diagnosable because they have learned to cope; but they often still identify as "autistic" because they have the same neurology and interaction style as people who are impaired and can still be diagnosed. So the autistic community includes both types of people.

Another thing: The AQ test is a good screening test, but it's still a screening test. That means that if you give it to everybody in a population, you might get, say, one in ten people testing positive, when one in a hundred people are actually autistic. Screening tests are meant to detect when it would be sensible to look into it further--they're not a definitive diagnosis.

Question: Are you asexual? I am asexual myself and have often talked to other asexuals who basically explain, "Yes, I want intimacy. I want to cuddle. I want to talk for hours and go on picnics and do all of the mushy romantic things that couples do. But... I don't want to have sex. Sex is overwhelming, gross, or just plain boring. It's just not my thing." If that is the case--if you want romance, but not sex--then that is actually a normal variation. (Some asexuals want neither sex nor romance, of course.) You may look at AVEN (asexuality.org) if you are interested in the concept. And of course there's the "demisexual" idea... weak sex drive, not much desire for physical intimacy... It's all a spectrum, really.

And then there's the possibility that this is a sensory issue. You might research sensory integration disorder; that's a very common component of autism, but it can also occur on its own. People with this particular issue tend to be overwhelmed by information coming in through their senses because they can't filter it properly. The best way I can explain this experience is that it feels like opening up too many programs on your computer--things just slow down and get stuck and you can't do anything until you close some stuff (i.e., get away from some of the sensory input). Most people can just shut out the stuff they don't want to pay attention to, but not people with sensory-integration disorder. This can cause problems with intimacy because physical touch can be quite overwhelming. In general, the solution seems to be to make it quite predictable, and to communicate--a LOT--with your partner so you can make it enjoyable for the both of you.[/quote]