Just want to say thanks for all these excellent and compassionate replies to my Roberto problem. I appreciate your perspective!

Part of what's so weird for me is that I thought getting married would solve this stuff. I thought it was a safe haven. It has been actually. But I also thought I was going to be protected from getting crushes on the wrong kinds of people automatically. It doesn't work that way! I'm still susceptible to attraction to toxic men. It's kind of humiliating that this hasn't gone away yet.

Thanks again for the reality check

Good idea about trying to arrange another situation next time the guy sails into town for an interview. I might have to arrange to be out of town or something so I'm not tempted.