I don't think your defective.....that I do know. Sounds like a normal response to all the stressors you are under. Geez, I don't think I could handle all those stressors as well as you are. I see you managed to text him how your feeling, have you thought about sitting down and writing a diary? Something that says "Just how you feel", even if it starts with "I don't know how I feel", just keep writing

Sounds like your BF really wants to be there for you, locking him out will not help the relationship. Try writing down all your thoughts and sharing the paper with him, be there when he reads it so if he has any questions your there to explain. I have used that technique a few times and most of the time it works by opening the flood gates.

Good luck, I understand the feeling of "going through the motions". Its no fun.

((hugs))