hi,

i dont post too much here either, but need some feedback please, if some of you could.

while i know what t is doing is correct, it hurts right now. email is no longer and i was reminded that phone calls are during office hours and where to contact for emergency services.

there was a misinterpretation last week as i received no response to two emails or one phone call I placed.

keep in mind this is the first call ive ever made, ever.

so while i felt somewhat lost in an ocean last week, this has been validated a bit now with these changes. i just needed some support, you know?

further, to seemingly validate my ex's comments, it was suggested i attend an intensive therapy thing at a hospital. what a way to make me feel on top of the world...

so am i reallly this screwed up right now? i did not count on this at all when i started t a few months ago just to help coping with a loved ones illness, that was all i went for.

im just torn. i know something like this would not be suggested unless it were for my own benefit, yet its a little like admitting im a big failure, no matter how often you are told you are not.

i feel sad right now, completely alone and once again screwed over, forgive me for the language please.

of course, these are probably my own "sick" perceptions, as I'm "sick".

once again, this is why i dont open up nor trust folk. its thrown back in your face or handled in a way that makes you feel betrayed. so why or what would encourage you to be that way (open & trusting)

so im thinking a lot of responses are going to be telling me that the t is correct, and they probably are - i do recognize that. this just sucks to know you are what you think you are, a failure etc., and that the one person you finally open up to makes you feel about the size of a mouse, and a dumb one at that.

and then when leaving the receptionist asked me if i wanted them to issue me a check for the credit on my account OR would i be returning.

now what does that say to a client? again my "sick" mind went immediately to the fact that they all discussed me and that they guessed i was done, that id run away and leave and never return. or that id do this program and not return, or perhaps they hoped.

i am sorry for the rant and the words, am unsure what to do right now to stop my mind going to a very negative place.