Thanks

I saw T. Usually he waits for me to start, but he jumped RIGHT in, asking about tonight. I'm not even sure we did the whole "how are you?" thing.

We talked about it for a long time. My fears, what I'm scared will happen, the best thing that could happen, the worst thing that could happen, all of it.

I started to feel REALLY drifty, and told T I wanted to rest. I thought there was NO way he would let me...because I felt like I really *needed* to stay grown up and present...but I felt like I just couldn't anymore, and he just sat quietly and let me go. He murmured at me a couple of times, but I don't know what he said, because he was FAR AWAY.

Somehow he ended up next to me on the couch. I remember looking into his eyes and asking about putting things in my closet (my closet inside). Could I put parts of my story in there, parts of me in there, and shut the door so that I'm just left with grown up me and the parts of my story that are kind of "safer" than others? And he said yes. He asked what I needed in there. Did I need a box? Did I want a pillow or a blanket? But I just needed a big pile of my crap on one side of the closet, and all of the parts of me that needed put away on the other side of the closet, and just a lot of big, safe DARKNESS. So. That's what we did.

I asked for something from his office and he let me pick something to take, so I did that. I like what I picked

And really, when I left, I felt grown up and present again. There have been some things pushing at me that were going to make tonight even harder than it would be otherwise, and I feel like I really do have them put away. Not forever, but for right now, when I need them to be put away.

T asked what time this is happening tonight, and I told him, and he said that he was going to be thinking about me and sending positive energy right then. I asked him if he would forget and he said there is no way he would forget. And he asked me to call him before and after to tell him how it goes. And he's going to leave me a message to listen to before I go.

So. I think I've done everything I can. Now I just have to get through it.

I see T again on Friday. I really really really hope I'm okay after this.