I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, Amoslass.
I don't know what to say, except that I hope that you will find some solace with family or friends and not hurt yourself anymore.
I don't think you should hate yourself either. You made a mistake, we all make mistakes. Just think about how many of us are on this forum. You are not alone even though you feel like it at times.
I am not trying to make you feel bad by telling you that your post made me cry... I can't stand the thought of another person feeling as sad as you are at this time.
I hope that things get better for you soon.
Peace be with you.