I can relate, horsecab.

Gentle hugs to you

Are you working with a T? Are you on any meds?

It's hard to start the fight from the point of zero. Hard to do it, when we don't have the motivation. That is when we know that we need help from professionals. It can be done, but it takes a little tickle inside. Not an enjoyable tickle ~ just a teensy bit of energy. Use that energy to get professional help. Call a suicide hotline or go to the ER & be honest.

It isn't an overnight process, unfortunately, but it does give you a little more energy to keep living. In the meantime, as you work towards resolving issues, develop some healthy and happy tasks in your daily life.