My father was a very cruel, vicious man who was an untreated bipolar and also addicted to alcohol and cocaine. I never knew which "father" I would see on any given day. When he was brutal, he was BRUTAL. He was always horrid to me.

The only thing he praised me for was being pretty. But God help me if I gained even an ounce above his prescribed weight for me, or if I got a zit or anything else that had any negative impact on my looks. I know that was a BIG reason for my having an eating disorder.

I've had some pretty f'ed up abusive relationships in my life time. I always went after the beautiful boys who were total arseholes. I guess I have been hurt so many times that I had this "Well as long as they're handsome and look good on my arm, so what?" attitude.

I also tend to do the "leave them before they leave me" thing. I am always so nervous during the dating process. Over half the time, I just run away and say screw it before a real relationship even takes place.

I refuse do to the pursuing. He has to make all the moves. My father and his side of the family said that only *****s will call or make any kind of pursing move. I guess that's why I end up with arseholes, eh?

I also worry about what others think about my choice of man. Like if I don't pick a gorgeous one, then I must be some hideous cow or something. I know that's effed up.

I just assume that my father damaged me so badly that I don't even deserve anyone any way.