I don't know who or what I am anymore. I've forgotten what 'normal' feels like. I feel, perhaps, if I go off the deep end completely--I may end up better than I am now. I don't know why I think or feel this way, but I do. I don't know if its true--I just believe it to be true. I also know I am scared to go off the deep end. So I SI to keep it at bay as long as possible. I know not if it will build in strength as I I avoid it thus--I surely hope not. I know not how deep I can go without being crushed by the wheel of the world pushing me into myself. I still don't feel human--I feel otherly. Something with the semblance of life--without actually being alive. The semblance is strong enough I can 'live' day to day without any large breaks into the facade--with no glimpse into the soulless thing I really am. Sometimes I think the pain I feel is only to remind me that I am, in fact, not real. The pain is actually being trapped in human form and semblance.