Anr, 2 things that you wrote raised red flags for me: 1) you never had a say in anything, and 2) your mom doesn't remember anything you say or know who you are as a person. Why are these red flags IMO? Child development is all about developing who you are. It seems like you didn't get to do this (it doesn't expire, you can still do this at any time). As for your mom, this sounds narcissistic. My mom is narcissistic and this is EXACTLY how she interacted with me. Why is this a problem? Our mothers are supposed to help us develop. If your mom isn't paying attention to you, this sends the message to you that your value is really low. (In reality, her behavior was about her problems, not about your value).

If you didn't get to develop your voice, I can see how this would lead you to getting into an abusive relationship. You need a voice to stand up for yourself.

Eating disorders are about control and it sounds like your family was really into that.