Today I found out that my ex is now clinically depressed.
I know we broke up in October 2010, but I still feel guilty about it. My brain can't think of anything that I could've done to hurt him, but in my heart I feel so sodding guilty.

But at the same time (I know this is selfish) I feel jealous. Jealous that he had the balls to go to the doctor and get help (no pun intended), while I never have been able to, even after 6 years. Jealous that other people have accepted this about him. Jealous that he is going to get better after such a short time (It would seem like I'm presuming that it's a short time, but he rather shows his emotions on his face all the time and we saw the change happen.)

I'm so selfish. It's just that he could get himself the help he needed and I'm still sitting here.
The few times i've tried to tell people, they've said "You'll get over it" or "Come on, cheer up". I haven't the energy or guts to get myself any professional help, and i think they know that, but I really struggle to tell people about my feelings. That's why I literally told 2 people about this (one of whom is a friend who lives far away, the other my ex.)

And even if I could manage to bring myself to ask for help or go get it myself, I know that everyone would just think I'm doing it for attention, or trying to take sympathy away from him...but thats just it. I dont want any attention or sympathy. I just want to get better.

But anyway, I think I should stop this post now. It's my second post in a couple of days. I need to stop wasting forum space. Sorry guys. xxx