Yep {{{{{{sj}}}}} I'm there with you.

I feel like I've gotten to the point that I'm too tired to fight this and instead am "embracing the madness," which for me says basically the same thing as Myzen - I'm sick and although I may have periods of remission - it always comes back.

I took 2 Restorils and an Ativan early in the evening to knock myself out and decided I would wake up in 2006 and miss all the hoopla. I slept for awhile but then people were shooting off firecrackers at 10 pm (which sounded like right under my window) so got up and called my Mother, who had just returned from a week in D.C.

One of the first things she asks is "How are you feeling?" and I hear that disappointment in her voice when I say "Not well." I had been re-reading William Styron's Darkness Visible: Memoirs of Madness - a rather erudite account of this acclaimed author/poet's descent into depression. So, I began reading some excerpts to Mother, still feeling somehow like I have to justify my illness. Then later she said "Well, this year will be better!"

I pray it will be, but as we got off the phone, 2006 had just arrived and I began crying - instead of listing my resolutions, I began mentally thinking of losses to occur:

**I have to find a less-expensive apartment ~immediately~. On 60% of my short-term-disability pay, I can't pay this month's rent without using Chrismas/birthday money.

**To make said move to a smaller place, I need to sell several pieces of furniture and figure out "how" to sell them - ad in newspaper, etc.

**I will be moving out of the part of town I adore.

**I truly doubt if I will be able to return to my current job which was a huge contributory stress factor in this episode.

**In the meantime, I will have no income and no $

** Mourning the loss of talent and experience which the demon of depression is blocking.

Ok, that's enough whining - but those were some of the thoughts simmering in my brain as I heard the merry-making outside.

sj & Myzen, you both mentioned putting on your "game faces" and getting out in the world regardless of how you feel. Maybe I'm just not strong enough but - how do you do that? I feel absolutely frozen and getting out of bed and back in again is a major accomplishment! I've made several plans during Christmas, including a dinner/dance. When the day arrives...I just cannot go.

I'm almost thinking that if I went to the hospital, maybe people would realize I am sick and not just feeing a "little down." But never having been to a psych ward, and reading some other posters' experiences, that kind of scares me too. And what exactly do they do in the hospital other than make sure you take your meds?

Ok, really rambling.

One of the best things in my life in 2005 was finding this website/forum and wonderful, kind, understanding people who actually understand.

{{{{{{sj, Myzel}}}}}}