To keep a long story short, as some of you may remember, I moved to where I currently live a little over 4 years ago. I have continued treatment with my psychologist via phone sessions. However, I was always afraid of finding a new psychiatrist because I felt so depressed and homesick... and a bunch of people close to me have died since I moved, so I was terrified of "changing" my meds. I take a very high dose of Paxil. My feelings changed last month when my primary doctor wanted to fool with my Paxil refill. She wanted me to taper off. I knew this was not a good idea, as much as I didn't want to investigate it further. So I went on my insurance company's website and self-referred to a psychiatrist.

I saw her today. The first thing she said to me after we sat down was "You're very young. How old are you?" I told her my age, and she said "then why do you look so young...maybe it's because you have long hair?" I thought that was a curious comment but it was OK. She asked me what my primary concern was, and I told her social phobia.

She then asked me a bunch of questions about my background, my story, and then she got to every social phobic's favorite question: "What's your sexual history?" I said "nothing " "Nothing? A 29 year-old virgin is very unusual." I said in an annoyed tone, "THANKS." She replied, "No, there's nothing wrong with that at all, this just must make it hard for you to relate to your peers sometimes." I said it sure was. She then asked me if I had told any of my close friends that I had never been with anyone. I said yes, I had told a few. "What was their reaction?" I said they didn't judge me at all. "Well that's great, they really are your friends, then." She asked me if I ever wanted to have a sexual relationship down the road and I said that actually I did want to right now; I wasn't avoiding sex or romantic relationships for religious reasons or some moral crusade, it's totally emotional. Then we went on to the rest of the "interview". She is keeping me on the same Paxil dosage (damn! I wanted to lose some weight ) until she sees me again in 3 months.

Overall, she was very nice and low-key. When she walked me out, I said thanks and shook her hand, and she took it with both of her hands and held on for a long time! She said, "I had a good time." [meeting me]

I have to admit that her reaction to my disclosure of my non-existent sex life made me feel a little ashamed. I felt pretty sad and sorry for myself after I got in my car and went on my way. Dealing with shame has been the center of my universe since I was a pre-teen, and I am obsessed with avoiding social situations so that I can maintain control over not being embarrassed by someone else. But I am going to continue with her, because I think it was a good first meeting. This stuff isn't fun, I'm know I'm not just going to feel better every single time I go to therapy or meds management.

I think that even a couple years ago, I would have become very defensive from a comment like that about something so personal. I might have gotten angrier with her. I possibly would have just skipped work afterward and gone home and cried. But I didn't, I just went on to work despite thinking about this all day. I think what made it better was her concern that it must be really difficult for me when comparing myself to my non-social phobic/shy friends. And it is, because I feel like I'm "less of an adult" sometimes. This $hit is really hard.

Nevertheless, I took a risk and opened myself to possible embarrassment and loss of control. I guess that's something.