I was so glad to read your post. It expresses exactly how I am feeling. I know and have accepted the issues that my parents had and how they couldn't do better, based on their own childhood issues. That they did the best they could. The lonliness and lack of belonging (being wanted...we wanted a boy...no one talked to me...touched me [said, "I love you" or affectionate hugs/kisses]), emotionally unavailable family members, and a emotionally and verbally explosive mother (scarrrrry, scaring no caring).
I sought love in sexually distructive ways trying to get someone to want to be around me, accept me (that's the only thing boys want from you...message) that has left me feeling shamed, unworthy, abandonment issues, trust problems, etc. Now at 53, I totally isolate and have no one to talk to, no friends and financially scared (hard to work and be around people). I build up business, finances and then knock it down...I'm always living on the edge (with 3-4 great (non-stressed)financial periods a year.
I have not been able to work a full-time job for more than a few months. I don't feel like trying again. I have a degree and so very, very many skills. Poor job record and fear of authority figures. PTSD triggers and involuntary actions/reactions...I'm afraid of myself...don't want to hurt or embarrass myself anymore. It is getting more and more too painful to continue trying to exist, afraid it will all fall down, taking all my energy (tired all the time) to keep trying to pay bills, food/gas, etc. Just existing, no having joy or fun. Feeling good means I'm inside, with food and bills paid. I am fat due to medication and eating to calm nausea caused by meds. I have stopped meds...can't get fatter....my misery has been compounded by the weight gain and high blood pressure!!! I tried to go to a therapist 2 weeks ago and felt unsafe, judged, brought up issues that I had to walk out and suffer from (session up, 1 hour, good-bye). I'd rather keep them buried and not be judged. I have always been hyper-vigilant and unable to deal with criticism (even if it's constructive) and being critiqued. This is my main problem with working full-time (FEAR of not being good enough, doing the right thing, getting fired and not knowing why or being able to keep it from happening). I have had over 47 jobs and I am only 53 (I kid you not, sometimes working 2-3 places at the same time to make ends meet). I am tired. Yet, I am still hopeful that there could be a happy ending. I kind of know there will be another time of abundance, it's a cycle. So, I am trudging and waiting for the next 'let up'....so I can relax, feel safe for a awhile. I don't commit suicide because I really do know that I have and continue to be sustained by something greater than myself...especially since I keep doing myself in. These are two things I content myself in doing well, 1) not killing myself and 2)not drinking. Self-hatred is hard. No one else has ever wanted me around.
Even though both of my parents are dead now, I still cringe and suffer.
I am scared and joyless, yet in gratitude (better than some other people's lives and situations). The paradox is confusing.

Thanks for your posting. Mixed emotions. No one else to talk to. No one else wants to hear how I really feel. People only want to hear good things.