so a lot of this is how i feel because i cant remember everything she said but i do remember the feelings.
i was so scared when sitting in the waiting room.she came down and got me and again the door was closed .BUT she opened it and went in but this time she looked at me and said come on in and smiled.so wasn't so bad as usual BUT
she sat down and said OK what do you want to do ? talk about the letter and read it ,talk about what made you quit.her sternness again terrified me and i couldn't say anything again.but then she again changed.she said that she knows i have a really hard time expressing myself but this meeting needs to be different that she needs to know what went on.she needs to understand how i am seeing things because she is really concerned about what is going on with me and how i am reacting.she said that she sees me wanting to talk.that i take a big breath and open my mouth but she sees nothing comes out.she than said that it is OK but she wants me to just let it come out to just this once take the risk and just let what wants to come out to just come out.and i whispered that she scared me Monday.she didn't freak out or anything she just said i had a hard time hearing you and want to be sure i heard you right did you say i scared you? if so can you tell me how? she said it was very important that she needed to know how i was seeing things.

i really felt like it was important to her.she didn't seem so angry anymore just concerned.she was still talking really loud and asking if i was hearing her.i was able to say everything scared me.how she was talking,how she looked,how she moved and walked.just everything,how it all seemed to changed.and i didn't understand why.she explained to me about projection.explaining that she really isnt the angry,mean,and frustrated person i am seeing her as. she explained that it is important that i not make her into this peoson because then she will be just like everyone else in my life.she made me look at her and kept saying that she isnt this person.that she isnt scary or angry or mean.she than brough up the email stuff.saying that she believes that this is what started this all.

she said that up untill now she had no roules that she allowed me to do whatever i wanted because that was what she felt i needed .after a year and half she said that the emails were no longer helpfull or usefull.that at first the would allow her to learn a little more about me.but i would send e-mails and then come to sesson and not be able to talk about them.she said she wasnt helping me at all with allowing this and that she felt like she was failing me by allowing it to go on.i guess she doesnt have a computer in her office and that is why she didnt always get the e-mails.she need to use other computers.anyway she talked about knowing how doing this and the expectations have totally terrified me but that she knows it is time to take things to a differnt level.that she knows that i will be able to handle itthat it isnt a huge expectation and that i need to trust that it will be ok and if i cant handle it that we will talk about it then.

she said things needed to chang because she really cares about me a lot.she is concerned that she was no longer helping me.she wants me to trust that i can handle this and so can she.that she wants me to see that i can handle this and that the changes are not because i did something horrably wrong but because again she cares about me and she wants to be more helpfull.she kept saying i have done nothing at all wrong and that she wasnt angry and that she cares she has never said anything close to this in all the time she has been working with me.

she said a lot more and i would love to share it if you want me to. i worry that i am rambling. sorry if i am.i'm still kind of in shock over everything.i am trying to trust her she seems so comfident that she knows what she is doing and it is only to help me move foward.