Madisgram,

You're absolutely right - I am drinking to escape. To a large extent the way I drink has an element of suicidality to it, I drink for oblivion pure and simple, and every time I pick up there's a part of me that's wishing that maybe this will be the time I don't wake up. Guess I'm just to chicken to swallow a bottle of pills.

What am I escaping from? Lots of unresolved stuff - not liking myself on a deep fundamental level, feeling unsatisfied with how my life has turned out, frustration with my mental illness and how it limits me, and there's still a lot of unresolved trauma from CSA. I have a really good trauma psychologist whom I'm working through this stuff with and believe it or not I'm a lot better than I was even 3 years ago. This is also partly why I decided to go back into rehab. I need to get some solid space away from the drinking, and this rehab really focusses on coping skills which I'm getting better at but need a refresher on.

Unfortunately the drinking is a reinforcing behaviour. I drink it triggers a craving for more alcohol (physiological response) so it's that much harder to resist. This is also why rehab is good for me right now. While I'm in it, I'm taking Antabuse supervised 5 days a week which will prevent me from drinking and hopefully weaken the physiological cravings.

Thank you for understanding. It means a lot to me. Whenever I try to talk about reasons for drinking with people in AA, I just get told it's an excuse to avoid looking at my character defects, which is part of why I'm looking for alternatives to AA right now.

--splitimage