I am trying to figure out why whenever I hear a model/celebrity/writer/anyone successful commits suicide, why it bothers me?

I will be a struggling actor and yes I have had suicidal thoughts SOMETIMES only when I'm feeling depressed but i tell myself this will lift and I don't want to die, I just want a better life.

When I see someone has ended their life, it reminds me of the time last year when I had a mental breakdown and then my bf betrayed me and I had no one to turn to but back to my bf. I had a mental breakdown as it was the last straw that broke the camel's back after having a tough childhood with emotional and SA. My bf also would invalidate my feelings call me illogical and delusional and never ever compliment me on anything, RARELY ever. And I know I'm smart, I'm very intelligent, I'm also pretty but he'd never say anything nice like that. I started losing my mind and wondering if I truly was intelligent, smart, or pretty.

He also protected the girl he cheated on me with and got very abusive, infact both of them got very abusive. Then he told me she was way more mature than me because she doesn't throw tantrums and cry and say she feels like ending her life. He would be there for me but then say the meanest things ever.

He also called the cops on me when I told him I don't feel like living but I wasn't attempting suicide, maybe I was just calling for help and he wasn't being helpful, he was making it worse. Then a cop came and just asked me if i was committing suicide, and i said no, and then he took my bf outside and told him I had BDP.

After my bf spoke to the cop, he said he can't be there for me anymore because I have BDP and he's researched it and he feels I have it too.

But I didn't have it. I discussed it with my therapist. I don't threaten ANYONE that i'm going to commit suicide. I don't want to commit suicide but when the pain intensifies I just imagine it in my head as an escape.

I'm not seeing a therapist right now.

I want to know why when I see someone successful especially a model/actor (I'm going to be a struggling actor and I'm very scared to get lonely and commit suicide..), why do I get really depressed when I see someone committed suicide? Am I scared it might happen to me? Please share your views, thanks!

Also when i see someone committed suicide, it reminds me of this time with my BF and I almost relive it all over again...