Hi guys again,
I have to rant again.
Its a guilt that is boring me today.
Its long and jumpy to forewarn.

To add a bit more to my story. I was released a few mouths ago from the hospital for a relaspe. I am working on feeling better and finding my way. Living at home can be a drag, but I inside I would like it to work for now. I am rebellious at times and get frustrated and feel guilt. Sometimes I hold anger or frustration in (not even due to folks but just my ideas inside) and I release it with yelling or swearing at my parents. I can relate to you Joy 1010 (feel free to write about any concerns about your daughter, I can give you some of my perspective coming the BP adult child side).

It is hard for me right now because I feel pressure internally and guilt about not making good rational decisions as I try to recover.
The thing bothering me is this.

I've been at home for about a month or so and the majority of my interactions are with my parents. I feel anixous and reluctant to outreach to my friends and I think its because I feel embarassed and I just don't know what kind of feedback I need or want. Sometimes I feel I just want to hangout with them just to feel normal again, but all my topics of conversation come back to my BP. In therapy on friday I spoke with my therapist (explaining my social anixety struggle and isolation; I don't want to isolate and I feel in the past when I was healthier I did find comfort going out with friends. For me, my key desire or goal is to be able to contact my friends for support or help when I really need it, when I am vunerable...I feel I closed off and put up this front, which now I don't feel comfortable with anymore, it limits my ability to connect deeper with my friends.

This weekend, I was taking a motorcycles course to fullfill my driving requirement to get my licence near my home. I decided to contact a friend and just try to get some interaction. He called back on Sunday and I pushed to see him at least just to talk for a bit, I haven't seen or spoken to him for a month. I decided to me him after my class for dinner. When I got home my parents had started fixing a nicer dinner as kind of a congradulations for getting through the 2 day course. I paniced because I already to committed to my friend who took the bus (1.5 hour) to come to the city. I called him back but he was already on his way. My parents told me to reschedule but I felt in a jam. I told them that I would pick him up from his stop and take him home so that aleast I'd be able to see him and chat and be back intime for dinner. I could tell my parents were upset, but still let me go. I didn't know that they were planning this and on any other sunday it would have been a regular dinner.

I went and picked up my friend and came back right away. But it took about 1.5 hours, to come back and forth. I could hear the disappointment in my parents voice and they ended up eating before. Today I talked about it with my Dad more. He felt I got in a kind of hipo manic mood and seemed frantic to see my friend.

He commented that I'm always like that, putting my friends first and they are used to it now. I reflected on times in the past and this tends to happen alot, I noticed now. I feel guilty and I feel I didn't make a good decision. It depressed me, things don't seem to go right when planning with my folks. I let them down alot of the time. I don't want to do it anymore. I wish I had better ability. Yet it's tough also to feel that I want to meet a friend for that social connection than just to be alone and isolated or sheltered by my folks. I struggle with getting this balance. Am I going back to my previous tendency's?...Am I not being mindful to myself in terms of good balance and social interaction with others outside of my parents? Can I overcome this and get better at it?
I feel frustrated with these matters and guilt today.

Thanks for listening.

Ele