So....after my last gloomy post, I'm so glad to have a happier one now.
I had session today. Last session, my T didn't move closer to me and when i asked, said something about staying in the chair she usually prefers and I could be the one to move closer if I wished from now on. It was a change that caught me by surprise....I felt more distant from her, it felt like the connection shifted off it's safe foundation. Anyway, today I just wasn't sure where I should sit, not feeling sure of the connection either! So I sat in the chair I like best, which is the farthest from hers. She brought the topic up almost immediately of where I had chosen to sit and told me again that she was going to stay in her chair and I could move closer if I wished. She was open and transparent and compassionate in explaining her thoughts about it.
She explained that it sort of had become like a game (not a conscious one or intentional manipulation or anything like that), where I sat further away and she was the one moving closer at times, like when I had journaling, and then moving back to her regular chair.....and that it was time to change that. That she had done it this way for me because of my trust and boundary issues and to help me feel safer.....but that it was time for me to choose to move closer to her, if I wanted that. And I think she was right....it was time for me to make the choice, to not wait for her to move closer to me but move closer to her myself because I feel safer to do that now. So I did! And actually, it felt good to make the choice myself....
I don't know, maybe I'm not saying this very clearly, but what it feels like is that taking this step to move closer to her feels very much like taking a step deeper into trust, into a closer connection. Because this is like a breakthrough for me.....I usually am very careful to wait for people to come closer to me, so I know they actually want to be closer to me, but it's harder for me to take the step closer myself. So I guess what I'm saying is that because I already know that my T moved closer to me first, now I know it's safe for me to move closer to her....because my trust is moving to a deeper level.
And beyond this who sits where thing - I was able to be open about a lot of my feelings, even about how her choosing to sit further from me last week made it feel as if she was distant....and I was able to talk about the feelings of deep melancholy, loss, grief that came up. She wanted to know if I had journaled about it (well, I sort of did here, but I didn't tell her that) and I said I hadn't journaled for her. So that was something where she thought I was moving closer to a place of being able to actually talk more directly about my feelings....and that that was great progress too.
So I moved closer to T in more ways than just where I parked my physical self! I moved closer to sharing my authentic self, my feelings, with my words and not just planned out words, either, but words from the heart in that moment....
Anyway...I am so glad to feel like tree said in a recent post that, even though it feels like the safe place shifts off its foundation, it shifts BACK! I saw this so clearly today....that even though it felt like the safe place had shifted (and really it hadn't shifted as much as my emotional mind felt like it had) it shifted back! I feel so much safer seeing that - and what I really want to be able to do better, is to keep hold of my trust in the safe place, in my T, even when it feels like there is a shift...
(Sorry, long again I think you all are beginning to see how wordy and long-winded I am!)