CSC......

Failure is a familiar word.....

I was once called stupid, worthless and highly strung......as a child.

That legacy is a hard one to replace with a new legacy......it takes time.

Productivity, the outcome of "work" can come in many different forms, I have learnt.

My T asked me one day "What is your definition of success?"

and I said "Perfection in productivity. I do therefore I am."

and he said "If you cannot "do" then what are you?"

and I said "Nothing. I am nothing".

I have been on disability for 3 years now and still wake up everyday thinking about my job that I had to leave for various reasons. But now, instead of grief at the loss of my job, I reflect on how good I was at it. I view productivity in a totally different way now. I had to or I would spiral in to a vortex of self destruction and loss of identity. I could not "do" anymore. A chronic pain issue and autistic traits ramped up with much force and left me but a mere shell of my former self.......

I understand my issues and I am getting the help for it, as are you. But as we cannot grow backwards and change what has happened, we must replace failure with success......redefine success and you will redefine failure. I guarantee that you will find many things that you have been successful in. Success is in the eye of the beholder. It matters little what your parents define as your success. Success is SUBJECTIVE and should not be compared to another persons view.

I do not wish to take away the impact parents have on our lives.......but it is their life, and it is our life. By its very individuality, it is different. Their values are different from yours, as their definition of success should be different from yours. My parents were VERY critical of me even if I was a brainiac. Nothing was good ENOUGH. And sometimes they still make me feel that way. The difference is that I know that it is THEIR issue, not mine. They are projecting their failures on to me.

Take very good care of your precious self. Successes, no matter how small, are still successes......

All is as it should be and everything in its place.....

Michah